“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.”
Og Mandino
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Manifesto
Sleepless.
So much love in this life. There is so much emotion attached to everything, even to people and situations where there should be none. But that's just how some people think. Heart on sleeve -- may not be the safest but that's just who you are. And then you start to figure out who you are not -- and that is sometimes even tougher.
But it makes you start to think, lose sleep and feel restless. It makes you start to question -- not with the endless mind of a kid, but with the open heart and experience of someone who has been living this life for a little while. Personally, you see and feel the effects of good decisions, of being open-hearted to the right people who will love you til the ends of Earth. But you can't apply this to every facet of your existence.
Or maybe you can and you just haven't found the right place to plant yourself.
So much love in this life. There is so much emotion attached to everything, even to people and situations where there should be none. But that's just how some people think. Heart on sleeve -- may not be the safest but that's just who you are. And then you start to figure out who you are not -- and that is sometimes even tougher.
But it makes you start to think, lose sleep and feel restless. It makes you start to question -- not with the endless mind of a kid, but with the open heart and experience of someone who has been living this life for a little while. Personally, you see and feel the effects of good decisions, of being open-hearted to the right people who will love you til the ends of Earth. But you can't apply this to every facet of your existence.
Or maybe you can and you just haven't found the right place to plant yourself.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Great quote:
"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present." - Barbara De Angelis
Friday, October 09, 2009
On your TOES!
Dane Shitagi's photography series "the ballerina project," is so captivating! His beautiful photos place modern day ballerinas in various locations in and around New York City. I love the idea of these ethereal beings in their delicate poses in these rough city streets areas (well, not THAT rough, but still) -- the ballerina on the fence looks like she can fly!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
ENGAGED!
As of this last Sunday the 19th, I am now officially girl with Feyonce’ in tow!
Obviously, the past few months have been so difficult and while we have been taking time off and planning a trip in a few weeks, I was a little shocked when Alex asked me if I could take last Monday and Tuesday off. His words, not mine, “We NEED to get away.” Hardly one to say no that, I wistfully took the time off. But where were we going?
When I asked our plans, with a little, “heh heh” under his breath, he said to pack clothes to hike in and dresses to go out in. Hmmm.
We left on Sunday morning for a drive that seemed like we were heading north up the coast. When we turned onto the pike that read, “Yosemite,” I thought we were heading for a camp ground and got really quiet.
Sometime I will write about my last camping experience, but let's just say it is NOT my idea of 'getting away.' More about that another day...but for at least a ½ hour, I was dismally quiet as Alex kept giggling and saying, “Aw...what's wrong??”
Then as we headed up through the mountain passes, I started thinking out loud...”Is this where you are going to throw my body after you kill me?? I mean, really, no one would EVER find me here if you threw me to nature.”
More laughter.
The we started to see mountains and gasp – water falls that just rushed out of the mountains. I started going picture crazy when Alex reminded me there was a lot more to see...
After being in awe of my surroundings, we arrived at our destination and I started to really cry – in happiness.
The Ahwahnee (website words, not mine):
The Ahwahnee shines as Yosemite National Park’s distinctive Four-Diamond hotel. Known for its magnificent façade, and architecture, The Ahwahnee was specifically designed to highlight its natural surroundings, featuring Yosemite Falls, Half Dome and Glacier Point. The destination of queens and presidents alike, The Ahwahnee offers a perfect balance of history, hospitality and elegance.
Kids, this place was more than I could have ever bargained for as a little “getaway.”
We dropped our bags off as our room wasn't ready and started wandering around the grounds. Everywhere we walked, there was something new to be in awe over – mountains surrounded us whist within each mountain there were more waterfalls. Streams were nearby and redwood trees that looked like they reached heaven.
After having nature moments for a ½ hour, we sauntered into the Ahwahnee bar. We each had a glass of the Ahwahnee wine, when I decided to brave it and go for a real cocktail: the El Capatini:
El Capitini – The First Ascent (Classic Size Only)
Absolut Vodka, Cointreau & Pomegranate - “Topped Off” with celebratory Champagne, Sugar Rim & Orange Twist Climber’s Knot This drink “ROCKS”. Created by our bar staff to commemorate the first ascent of El Capitan fifty years ago in November 1958. The climbing party included Wayne Merry, the founder of the Yosemite Mountaineering School. Served with a keepsake carabineer.
Dudes, this drink was NOT for the wusses. A few sips of this and I was a whirling dervish. I was sucking in the great outdoors and all her beautiful natural landscape, laughing with my man and deciding that even I should not continue drinking this...and then Alex said, “our room is probably ready, let's head back to get ready for dinner.”
We headed back and walked down a little woodsy path to our room, absorbing the beauty around us when suddenly, Alex turned to me, started to kneel down as he slid a ring on my finger and said, “Will you be my wife?”
Me: (choking up) YES YES, YES (tears!!) YES!!
The ring fit perfectly. Then the real crying started. Was I dreaming? I couldn't believe it!
Alex then said, “This ring was my mom's engagement ring...she gave it to me for you and only you. You will hear the whole story over dinner.”
It was as if all of these happy emotions, sentimental feelings and a vision of a lifetime had all wrapped themselves up in this little ring and I could not stop staring at it. And now the man who will be my husband was giving it to me.
The more I looked at the ring, the more it made me cry. Tears of joy. Tears of honor. I went to call my Dad – which was a feat in itself as there was little to know phone reception and I was crying like a banshee. As I was talking to him, I heard a familiar, “MAMA” and looked over to see Alex's sister C and one of her little guys sneaking into nearby cottage. She and her brood were going to surprise me for dinner!
That night at our beautiful dinner in the most amazing room in the lodge, C told me that her mother loved jewelry and over then years had gotten some crazy, brilliant pieces but her engagement ring (which W had gotten her in Italy almost 40 years ago next month) was her favorite piece and she'd given it to Alex for me.
I couldn't be happier -- on every level this life is pretty darn beautiful.
Here are some highlights of our beautiful place of engagement!
Obviously, the past few months have been so difficult and while we have been taking time off and planning a trip in a few weeks, I was a little shocked when Alex asked me if I could take last Monday and Tuesday off. His words, not mine, “We NEED to get away.” Hardly one to say no that, I wistfully took the time off. But where were we going?
When I asked our plans, with a little, “heh heh” under his breath, he said to pack clothes to hike in and dresses to go out in. Hmmm.
We left on Sunday morning for a drive that seemed like we were heading north up the coast. When we turned onto the pike that read, “Yosemite,” I thought we were heading for a camp ground and got really quiet.
Sometime I will write about my last camping experience, but let's just say it is NOT my idea of 'getting away.' More about that another day...but for at least a ½ hour, I was dismally quiet as Alex kept giggling and saying, “Aw...what's wrong??”
Then as we headed up through the mountain passes, I started thinking out loud...”Is this where you are going to throw my body after you kill me?? I mean, really, no one would EVER find me here if you threw me to nature.”
More laughter.
The we started to see mountains and gasp – water falls that just rushed out of the mountains. I started going picture crazy when Alex reminded me there was a lot more to see...
After being in awe of my surroundings, we arrived at our destination and I started to really cry – in happiness.
The Ahwahnee (website words, not mine):
The Ahwahnee shines as Yosemite National Park’s distinctive Four-Diamond hotel. Known for its magnificent façade, and architecture, The Ahwahnee was specifically designed to highlight its natural surroundings, featuring Yosemite Falls, Half Dome and Glacier Point. The destination of queens and presidents alike, The Ahwahnee offers a perfect balance of history, hospitality and elegance.
Kids, this place was more than I could have ever bargained for as a little “getaway.”
We dropped our bags off as our room wasn't ready and started wandering around the grounds. Everywhere we walked, there was something new to be in awe over – mountains surrounded us whist within each mountain there were more waterfalls. Streams were nearby and redwood trees that looked like they reached heaven.
After having nature moments for a ½ hour, we sauntered into the Ahwahnee bar. We each had a glass of the Ahwahnee wine, when I decided to brave it and go for a real cocktail: the El Capatini:
El Capitini – The First Ascent (Classic Size Only)
Absolut Vodka, Cointreau & Pomegranate - “Topped Off” with celebratory Champagne, Sugar Rim & Orange Twist Climber’s Knot This drink “ROCKS”. Created by our bar staff to commemorate the first ascent of El Capitan fifty years ago in November 1958. The climbing party included Wayne Merry, the founder of the Yosemite Mountaineering School. Served with a keepsake carabineer.
Dudes, this drink was NOT for the wusses. A few sips of this and I was a whirling dervish. I was sucking in the great outdoors and all her beautiful natural landscape, laughing with my man and deciding that even I should not continue drinking this...and then Alex said, “our room is probably ready, let's head back to get ready for dinner.”
We headed back and walked down a little woodsy path to our room, absorbing the beauty around us when suddenly, Alex turned to me, started to kneel down as he slid a ring on my finger and said, “Will you be my wife?”
Me: (choking up) YES YES, YES (tears!!) YES!!
The ring fit perfectly. Then the real crying started. Was I dreaming? I couldn't believe it!
Alex then said, “This ring was my mom's engagement ring...she gave it to me for you and only you. You will hear the whole story over dinner.”
It was as if all of these happy emotions, sentimental feelings and a vision of a lifetime had all wrapped themselves up in this little ring and I could not stop staring at it. And now the man who will be my husband was giving it to me.
The more I looked at the ring, the more it made me cry. Tears of joy. Tears of honor. I went to call my Dad – which was a feat in itself as there was little to know phone reception and I was crying like a banshee. As I was talking to him, I heard a familiar, “MAMA” and looked over to see Alex's sister C and one of her little guys sneaking into nearby cottage. She and her brood were going to surprise me for dinner!
That night at our beautiful dinner in the most amazing room in the lodge, C told me that her mother loved jewelry and over then years had gotten some crazy, brilliant pieces but her engagement ring (which W had gotten her in Italy almost 40 years ago next month) was her favorite piece and she'd given it to Alex for me.
I couldn't be happier -- on every level this life is pretty darn beautiful.
Here are some highlights of our beautiful place of engagement!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Loss
This is something I NEVER wanted to write – and didn't think I would for many years:
This Friday, it will be a month since the world lost Zora.
Where do I begin?
Zora was Alex’s mother – and mother to Alex’s wonderful sister, wife to their dad and Nana to three of the cutest little boys you’ve ever laid your eyes on. She was also a friend to so many, you couldn’t even count. Everyone who knew Zora understood the groundwork: unconditional, friend to anyone she spoke to, and helper to all.
I will never forget when Alex said to me, “I can’t wait for you to meet my mom…you’ll love her.” In some instances, this would be the greatest red flag to a girl and in my experience it could mean that the umbilical cord has not been cut or that Mama has great hold on Junior. I was a little nervous and cautious but knowing and trusting Alex, I was open. Then I met his mom – and understood.
Zora was like a light force in the Universe. She walked through her life helping, giving, laughing and smiling whilst her goodness was being spread. She was more than Alex could have ever described and yes, I did love her, instantly.
There was no fear of her. She accepted me quickly and when I was put under her wing, I felt like I was in the position of honor.
When I saw Zora and Alex together, I understood. They were as close as a son and mom could be. The two of them could hang around for hours. They talked all the time and they were really good friends. Old pictures of Alex being a little boy dictate this as well. There is a great picture of them from a few years back – they are about a foot apart and Alex’s hands are out in a talking manner and Zora is laughing. It is exactly as they were.
Zora and I always had poignant conversations -- about people, about ghosts and horoscopes, about our lives. I loved when she spoke of her kids and all of the light they brought to her. She knew them in the deepest personal way. Alot of parents lose sight of who their kids really are, but even as adults, she knew both of her kids on a whole other level. They were close friends beyond just being mother and child.
She understood people in general, and as her daughter said, she looked at the good in people -- not that she was naive, but that her focus was on the good parts.
The first Christmas after my mother died, Zora and Alex’s father W invited my father and I to their home in Vegas. My dad is not a person that has ever been guested by strangers, but I assured him he would be comfortable.
Zora not only was the best hostess, but she went out of her way to make Yugoslavian foods that my father hadn’t eaten in years along with enough Potica (Slovenian walnut bread) to send to my siblings.
My father was also touched that Zora brought out my old love of cooking / baking and were like a team in the kitchen…we were literally on the lockdown for hours. But it was never work. We chatted. We laughed. We even cried once or twice. And I learned a great deal in those times behind the scenes…and my father, who again, rarely stayed with strangers, had the best time. He felt at home and laughed with them and enjoyed every minute on his adventure.
The weekend of Father’s day, we were supposed to go visit Zora and W in Vegas. The Monday before (June 15), Alex’s sister called saying no one had heard from Zora all day.
This might seem odd for most, but again, Zora had 100’s of friends…she could be anywhere. But there was something deep down that felt wrong. After W made some calls, we found out she’d been in the hospital ½ of the day. What.the.fuck?
Alex drove out the next morning. I stayed back thinking I would be going out there the following week to help her get back to normal. I thought it was just a little stroke and there would be rehabilitation. I thought I would just be around to help nurse her back to health. I just assumed she would be fine in a few weeks.
By the time Alex arrived, I’d already bought a ticket to fly out. There was a feeling of urgency every time I spoke with another family member. Alex’s sister, whose brood was sick, was also caring for her new 6-week old baby but made the trek with her family.
I can only say those were the two cruelest days I’d ever experienced and watching her family was heartbreaking. When I looked at her two children, who were both the loves of her life, I just wished I could take all of their pain away…
She died the night of the June 17th at 10:22 PM.
The days that followed were just utter craziness. No sleep. A memorial in Vegas. Rushing home, going to work with my head in a dark bucket and trying to digest the emptiness. Tons of flowers, cards and phone calls came. Friends came around and listened, cried and helped SO much. The memorial in L.A. at our house was beautiful, especially when Alex’s sister delivered the most heartfelt, tear-jerking speech about her mother. Our little home was at full capacity. We expected 80 people and got about 130. Neighbors who were virtual strangers came to tell stories of her and her ways of getting involved and helping. Friends cried, family held each just a little closer. Stories were told. There was a little laughter and a lot of tears, along with food, drink and so many desserts, some I’d forgotten about until the next morning…
And then it was quiet.
I had just said a few months back to Bunnie, that the day something happened to Zora, it would be the worst thing her family could go through.
This doesn’t even really cover it. There is SO much more to say.
Having lost my own mother, I know how hard this all is, but with terminal disease, your mourning comes out in different moments, and when the time comes that they are taken from you, there is a strange feeling of peace. You’re sad, but you know it’s inevitable.
This was not anything close. She was only 63. She was so present. She was so involved with so many people in so many ways. She was so full of life, light and love.
While I am so grateful for the time I had knowing her, there was so much more I wanted to learn from her. I am happy that my father and sister and a few close friends knew her and adored her, too but I wanted my other family members and friends to know her. Her children were not through getting great advice, telling her their secrets, laughing with her or getting fed from the best cook on the planet. They weren't through with any part of her. Her friends weren’t done laughing with her, playing penny slots, cooking, getting real estate advice or just advice in general…
I think everyone feels robbed. I know I do.
This Friday, it will be a month since the world lost Zora.
Where do I begin?
Zora was Alex’s mother – and mother to Alex’s wonderful sister, wife to their dad and Nana to three of the cutest little boys you’ve ever laid your eyes on. She was also a friend to so many, you couldn’t even count. Everyone who knew Zora understood the groundwork: unconditional, friend to anyone she spoke to, and helper to all.
I will never forget when Alex said to me, “I can’t wait for you to meet my mom…you’ll love her.” In some instances, this would be the greatest red flag to a girl and in my experience it could mean that the umbilical cord has not been cut or that Mama has great hold on Junior. I was a little nervous and cautious but knowing and trusting Alex, I was open. Then I met his mom – and understood.
Zora was like a light force in the Universe. She walked through her life helping, giving, laughing and smiling whilst her goodness was being spread. She was more than Alex could have ever described and yes, I did love her, instantly.
There was no fear of her. She accepted me quickly and when I was put under her wing, I felt like I was in the position of honor.
When I saw Zora and Alex together, I understood. They were as close as a son and mom could be. The two of them could hang around for hours. They talked all the time and they were really good friends. Old pictures of Alex being a little boy dictate this as well. There is a great picture of them from a few years back – they are about a foot apart and Alex’s hands are out in a talking manner and Zora is laughing. It is exactly as they were.
Zora and I always had poignant conversations -- about people, about ghosts and horoscopes, about our lives. I loved when she spoke of her kids and all of the light they brought to her. She knew them in the deepest personal way. Alot of parents lose sight of who their kids really are, but even as adults, she knew both of her kids on a whole other level. They were close friends beyond just being mother and child.
She understood people in general, and as her daughter said, she looked at the good in people -- not that she was naive, but that her focus was on the good parts.
The first Christmas after my mother died, Zora and Alex’s father W invited my father and I to their home in Vegas. My dad is not a person that has ever been guested by strangers, but I assured him he would be comfortable.
Zora not only was the best hostess, but she went out of her way to make Yugoslavian foods that my father hadn’t eaten in years along with enough Potica (Slovenian walnut bread) to send to my siblings.
My father was also touched that Zora brought out my old love of cooking / baking and were like a team in the kitchen…we were literally on the lockdown for hours. But it was never work. We chatted. We laughed. We even cried once or twice. And I learned a great deal in those times behind the scenes…and my father, who again, rarely stayed with strangers, had the best time. He felt at home and laughed with them and enjoyed every minute on his adventure.
The weekend of Father’s day, we were supposed to go visit Zora and W in Vegas. The Monday before (June 15), Alex’s sister called saying no one had heard from Zora all day.
This might seem odd for most, but again, Zora had 100’s of friends…she could be anywhere. But there was something deep down that felt wrong. After W made some calls, we found out she’d been in the hospital ½ of the day. What.the.fuck?
Alex drove out the next morning. I stayed back thinking I would be going out there the following week to help her get back to normal. I thought it was just a little stroke and there would be rehabilitation. I thought I would just be around to help nurse her back to health. I just assumed she would be fine in a few weeks.
By the time Alex arrived, I’d already bought a ticket to fly out. There was a feeling of urgency every time I spoke with another family member. Alex’s sister, whose brood was sick, was also caring for her new 6-week old baby but made the trek with her family.
I can only say those were the two cruelest days I’d ever experienced and watching her family was heartbreaking. When I looked at her two children, who were both the loves of her life, I just wished I could take all of their pain away…
She died the night of the June 17th at 10:22 PM.
The days that followed were just utter craziness. No sleep. A memorial in Vegas. Rushing home, going to work with my head in a dark bucket and trying to digest the emptiness. Tons of flowers, cards and phone calls came. Friends came around and listened, cried and helped SO much. The memorial in L.A. at our house was beautiful, especially when Alex’s sister delivered the most heartfelt, tear-jerking speech about her mother. Our little home was at full capacity. We expected 80 people and got about 130. Neighbors who were virtual strangers came to tell stories of her and her ways of getting involved and helping. Friends cried, family held each just a little closer. Stories were told. There was a little laughter and a lot of tears, along with food, drink and so many desserts, some I’d forgotten about until the next morning…
And then it was quiet.
I had just said a few months back to Bunnie, that the day something happened to Zora, it would be the worst thing her family could go through.
This doesn’t even really cover it. There is SO much more to say.
Having lost my own mother, I know how hard this all is, but with terminal disease, your mourning comes out in different moments, and when the time comes that they are taken from you, there is a strange feeling of peace. You’re sad, but you know it’s inevitable.
This was not anything close. She was only 63. She was so present. She was so involved with so many people in so many ways. She was so full of life, light and love.
While I am so grateful for the time I had knowing her, there was so much more I wanted to learn from her. I am happy that my father and sister and a few close friends knew her and adored her, too but I wanted my other family members and friends to know her. Her children were not through getting great advice, telling her their secrets, laughing with her or getting fed from the best cook on the planet. They weren't through with any part of her. Her friends weren’t done laughing with her, playing penny slots, cooking, getting real estate advice or just advice in general…
I think everyone feels robbed. I know I do.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Gish Sisters
Early screen stars Dorothy and Lillan Gish with their mother, early 1900's.
The Gish sisters in their teens...
The Gish sisters in their teens...
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Turning the page...
on the Bush years!
What a day! After 8 years of bad decisions, embarrassing ideas and a whole lot of problems -- a new day has dawn. It's not to say our new President is not going to have his hands full with cleaning up this mess. It's just nice to feel hope again. And it's good to know the power is with someone who has the confidence and the smarts to lead us properly.
Proud to be an American -- again!
What a day! After 8 years of bad decisions, embarrassing ideas and a whole lot of problems -- a new day has dawn. It's not to say our new President is not going to have his hands full with cleaning up this mess. It's just nice to feel hope again. And it's good to know the power is with someone who has the confidence and the smarts to lead us properly.
Proud to be an American -- again!
Friday, January 09, 2009
REALLY???
Today is just one of those days...
I couldn't sleep this morning. I was up at 4 am and was watching a TIVO'd SVU episode and waiting with bated breath to check my balance in my bank account as I am BROKE and today is payday.
At 5 AM I check and alas, there is not check deposit. WTF, I think! I need money!
I get on with my morning and pull out my favorite t-shirt to wear as it's Friday, but what the HELL is on the front of it? Some alien splatter was all over my beautiful shirt and I had to go the clothing piece number two.
Amazingly, there was no traffic so I thought my bad karma was over. Work was fine.
Payroll said the check would be cut and I would have it in my hands. WRONG. I am leaving at 3 today and was just notified I need to go to our other building to pick it up, but my 3:15 appt is the opposite way -- see where THIS is going??
And to wrap things up, my beautiful, newly filled water bottle spilled all over the front of me. When that wasn't enough, I went sit it back up and it spilled again over the inch of me that was dry. I am now wearing what looks like the escaped fashion victim from a salvation army drop box. BAD BAD BAD!!!
I couldn't sleep this morning. I was up at 4 am and was watching a TIVO'd SVU episode and waiting with bated breath to check my balance in my bank account as I am BROKE and today is payday.
At 5 AM I check and alas, there is not check deposit. WTF, I think! I need money!
I get on with my morning and pull out my favorite t-shirt to wear as it's Friday, but what the HELL is on the front of it? Some alien splatter was all over my beautiful shirt and I had to go the clothing piece number two.
Amazingly, there was no traffic so I thought my bad karma was over. Work was fine.
Payroll said the check would be cut and I would have it in my hands. WRONG. I am leaving at 3 today and was just notified I need to go to our other building to pick it up, but my 3:15 appt is the opposite way -- see where THIS is going??
And to wrap things up, my beautiful, newly filled water bottle spilled all over the front of me. When that wasn't enough, I went sit it back up and it spilled again over the inch of me that was dry. I am now wearing what looks like the escaped fashion victim from a salvation army drop box. BAD BAD BAD!!!
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