My Exorcism

At some point this week, I hurt myself. I don't know when or why. It may have been the skid out of my flip-flop that resulted in a moment of pure agony or it might have been doing squats, while watching that David Navarro/Tommy Lee rock star show. Whatever the case may be, my left foot had been hurting all week. But I did what you should not do:

I walked at lunch twice this week, around the golf course -- which isn't exceedingly long, but if you have pain, you shouldn't do anything. Especially at the pace we went at.

I wore heels. Not a good thing to do when you have foot pain.

And then there was Wednesday, when I did Runyon with the newly engaged Bunnie. Not my best move, but it was really, really fun and I think we might have delved into bottle #2 of yummy fizzy wine had there been no motivation.

So here it was Thursday night. After doing two too many rounds of grocery shopping for my dinner for the man tonight AND for the arrival of Becky tomorrow, I realized my foot was not only throbbing, but my calf AND my thigh were starting to hurt.

I put my leg up for most of the night and then went to bed. After two hours of sleep, I woke up to more nagging pain. I was pretty sure I had The Gout. Or that there was a heartbeat, alien -- of course, in my leg. Was my leg pregnant with some sort of alien "It's Alive" spawn?? Whatever the case may be, it was freaky and unusual and a source of manic, non-sleep, thoughts -- of how I could POSSIBLY go salsa dancing Saturday night or more importantly, how I was going to be able to sight-see properly with Becky, since her first visit to see me starts tomorrow. And generally speaking, how I would get through work in this pain.

After looking at my leg and foot and realizing they were both swollen, I opted to take a Tylenol PM and waited to be hopped up, no pun intended. I then struggled with what I should do next -- call my doctor or go to acupuncture.

Problem is, my regular doctor would give me pills and tell me to stay off my foot. The acupuncturist would actually get rid of the pain.

This morning I hobbled over to Koreatown to visit South Baylo University, the home of many amazing healers. I have been to this acupuncture place a million times, sometimes for things like allergies or little aches and pains, but this was different.

I had to wait a little while longer than usual, but then a man -- an internist, Kim Lee came out. I told him that my left leg was twitchy and totally painful. Minutes later, I was lying on my stomach on the massage table as he and another internist started surveying the damage and poking onto areas that I hadn't even known were hurting. They were talking in their native speak as I lay there, trying to decipher what they were going to do. Then I heard the familiar clink of needles…

And then the exorcism started --

Warning: If you've never had acupuncture before, DON'T let this scare you away!!! This is JUST this instance and should NOT keep you from going!!

The first needle went in and I yelped, more out of the unknown than just for pain. There were a smorgasbord of needles in my feet, to start. Not bad. Then they put one in my middle right finger (eff yeah!) and then in my side of my right hand.

Then things got really ugly. My left calf was getting needles inserted. Then my knee. The epicenter of the pain was in my left thigh, on the side. As the needles went in, I thought of things that must equally hurt -- bamboo shoots in your fingertips, getting a toe cut-off with a metal clipper, having a bowling ball fall on your foot, childbirth, lobotomies -- and right at this moment, my head started to spin. Seriously. The worst effing pain I think I have felt in eons. Or ever. And it was constant. Tears. Throbbing. My breath -- I could see it. And there were more needles added to the throbbing pain. The other internist left Mr. Lee alone.

Good times, right??

I wanted to clock him. I wanted to poke HIM with needles -- in his eyes. I thought he was done. He'd quietly tiptoe back to do more. As he put more needles into the evil, screaming painful area -- a very scary, deep and guttural, devil-voice came oozing out of my person, "NO MORE NEEDLES." Ahhh.

He stepped back. My eyes, I believe, were glowing red. Before I could spew green, he looked at me, eyes wide with terror as he walked backwards into the curtain and murmured, "…be back in 15 minutes."

For 15 minutes, I was strewn there, like a human pin-cushion, swearing under my icy breath, speaking in tongue and trying to figure out if work was anywhere near as painful as this moment, since I had to call in for the morning to get this done.

When Mr. Lee returned covered in armor, I knew he was very afraid. He asked if he could remove the needles. I moaned out a "yes." I thought for sure at any moment, the alien pod would start hurdling its way thru in its mucous-membrane sac -- though the worst was over. The pain was still there, but he'd let the Beast out. My eyes returned to normal. I know longer had an urge to pummel Mr. Lee with sharp instruments. My breathing returned to normal. My voice became almost melodic as I squeaked out a "thank you."

And now, I feel much better.

BTW. Today is Robb's 33rd birthday. I explained to him in his comments that being on the tail end of 33, as I am, I have decided its definitely been one of my best and favorite years! Remind him that he's OLD!!! And of course, wish him a happy one...